Captain’s Challenge: Round 4, skippers to target and avoid

• SPY TALK: Tackling the week’s big questions
• DATA ANALYSIS: Vital numbers to beat the best

Well, well, well.

Allow me to introduce myself to you.

The Oracle.

At your service.

And may I please direct your attention to a line in last week’s Captaincy article that went a little something like this:

“I’d personally avoid Lil’ Papi (though now I’ve said that expect him to ton right up).”

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And just like that…

The glorious man with the mullet…

TONNED TF UP.

And you are very, very welcome my friend. Very, very welcome indeed.

Now this week we’re introducing a brand-new segment to the Captaincy article. A little bit of Kiwi flavour straight from the great motherland herself:

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The “Chur Bro” Award

This prestigious award, is awarded to the player who went out and took one for the SC teams, by just being a bloody good bloke and doing his Captaincy job like an absolute boss.

This week the award goes to the one, the only, the glorious Mr Nicholas Hynes. Who, despite the torrential rain, came through for all the SuperCoaches who VC’d or straight-up Captained him, by whacking out a massive ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR POINTS. At Halfback. For the Sharks.

And did we mention it was in the RAIN.

You, kind sir, are a scholar and a gentleman, and I’m sure everybody in the SC world joins me as we send you out a big resounding “Chur Bro!”

Now, without further ado, let us look at the Captaincy options for the week:

Ryan “The Mullet” Papenhuyzen

So that concludes the Captaincy article for this wee…

Ha it cannot be that easy.

Okay here we go:

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Here are All Some of Your Options

So. Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo – which Storm player should I go?

And wow. How gloriously good was the Storm vs Eels game last week, and how bloody delicious were all those tons??

Yes, yes there are many mouths to feed in the Storm, but boy did they feast last weekend. And despite the fact that my heart broke anew every time the great Undertake…umm…the Cheese scored a point, my God watching Lil’ Papi and Munster rack up the points for my team warmed the very cockles of my heartbroken heart.

Lil’ Papi

I mean, is there a more safe and more glorious Captain this week than the Honourable Mullet Man himself, the great Lil’ Papi?

I think not.

Scoring an impressive 107 points against the Eels, including a try, two line breaks, and a whole bunch of goal kicking – and rewarding double points to all those who trusted the man to take on the Big C – can we just take a moment to recognise the fact that the great Sir Lil’ Papi is back, and boy is he here to score us some super sweet points.

Lil’ Papi is up against the Dogs in a tasty Sunday arvo match up that looks to very much favour the Storm, even though I must give the Dogs some raps because they are looking lightyears ahead of the team they were last year.

Now the Dogs also did hold the great Sir Tommy T to an unTurbo-like 66 points last week. But Storm right now is a much better team than Manly (who will start playing for reals in Round 5 so I’ve heard) – so I do expect much bigger and better scores from the Storm players all round this weekend.

Including my top Captaincy choice of the week – Lil’ Ryan The Mullet Man Papenhuyzen.

Last year vs the Bulldogs, Papi scored a sweet 113 points including a try and an assist. I’m fully expecting a repeat of these stats, and therefore Lil’ Papi will be flying the Captaincy flag for my team, Friday Beers, this Sunday.

Captain with confidence friends. Captain with confidence.

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Munster

There’s been something quite joyous about watching the revitalised Munster bounding around the field like a fountain of health and vitality, healthy bouncy hair bouncing all over the place, like he’s the actor in a Pantene commercial playing the role of Man Who Plays Sport.

But then…

Munster cut his hair. And why please sir? Me and several of the ladies of the Playbook WhatsApp Group demand answers.

And please. Can you just grow it back to the healthy undercut reminiscent of Leo DiCaprio in his Romeo and Juliet days when every girl under the age of 16 dreamed of being Claire Danes, and can you do it right now pls.

We must insist.

But we are not here to talk about hair, but rather to talk about why Munster (despite possibly definitely losing his Pantene sponsorship) is a potential Poddy Captain choice.

Last week the great man banged out a 121. Against the Eels.

And wow.

This week, like teammate Lil’ Papi, he’s also facing the Dogs.

Umm yes, obviously Clementine.

And though I personally think Lil’ Papi is the man to wear the armband in the Storm team this week, do not be put off of going slightly poddy and choosing the Munster Man instead.

Last year he banged out an easy 78 points vs them including two try assists. And this was before he went on his glorious health kick and entered the 2022 season in such fabulously fine form, he is likely to be this year’s Dally M Five Eighth Of The Year winner. I’m calling it now.

I definitely do not sniffle at a Munster Captaincy choice – though I do wish he’d kept his luxurious hair.

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David Fifita

Deep breaths peeps, we’re giving Big Fifi ONE. MORE. CHANCE.

Okay, so firstly, I did not mind his 71 points last week.

And secondly, like a David Fifita disciple (or a broken record) I do believe the big man is going to smash us out a big old ton.

This week in fact.

Against the Tigers.

On Thursday night.

Did you hear the news?

I’ve just got off the phone and it’s scoop time!

Fifi’s getting us a ton this Thursday and you’d better believe it my friend.

The Tigers are just not looking the goods. And it’s so sad, but I’m thinking 9^th place is just looking a little out of reach for them at this point and time.

It was 97 points for owners last year when Big Fifi played the Tigers. And while that included only one try assist and 51 points in base (which we’re not seeing from Fifi just quite yet), I really think the Tigers game is where he comes out and rewards his faithful owners with a big ol’ tonny ton.

Righteo. On that note – because this is a Thursday night game and the very first game of the round – may I offer you the choice of a nice Vice Captaincy instead of a straight Captaincy, just in case I got my wires crossed and my news wrong and it’s actually next week that he’s scoring us the ton instead.

Nicho Hynes is a WEAPON! 🦈🔥#NRLDragonsSharks pic.twitter.com/VWBzHUYbZx

— NRL (@NRL) March 24, 2022

Nicho Hynes

Let us once again salute our inaugural “Chur Bro” Award recipient with the respect and honour he most certainly deserves.

I am so very unhappy that I do not have this great man in my team. But for those who have him, I take comfort in the thought that I told you to Captain him last week and the man most certainly came through for all those who did with a nice casual 248 Sir Captain Points.

Well done, and I am most certainly happy and quite joyful for you and let’s give you all a nice round of applause and etc etc

Narrator: She was most certainly not happy for you, and her hands made no sound when clapping because she was not actually clapping, she was instead rocking back and forth in the corner of her room crying over her great misfortune of not owning, and thus not captaining, the great Nicholas Hynes.

Ahem.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the great Hynes Captaincy choice.

Yes, yes you can captain him this week again, especially if you think he can back up with a trifecta of tons.

Playing the Knights (who did not look as good as they have been last week vs the Panthers, but who will hopefully have 13 men on the field for the whole game this week, and who do have their most fabulous fullback back too), I do expect this to be a much tougher match up for the Sharks than last week’s Saints-thrashing in the rain.

But I still believe in the Hynes hype, and think he’s going to come out of this very well indeed.

Look, whilst these figures I’m about to blow your mind with, came as the world’s best substitute fullback at the Storm last year – can we just remember that Hynes has not regressed as halfback at the Sharks. At all. He is a machine. He is very unreal. And when I tell you that he scored:

ONE HUNDRED AND SUXTY SUX POINTS including a try and 3 (THREE) try assists vs the Knights last year…

Well friend. Whack that big VC or C on him right now and go get yourself a beer.

You deserve it for having faith in the player who is turning out to be…this is a big call…but:

The MUST HAVE player of the SC season.

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Tedesco

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

Why you do me like this my friend?

Like that hit and miss café that serves hit and miss bacon, sometimes crispily crisp and sometimes so soft and bland it’s basically still raw – you literally sent me into shock when I whacked the C on you on a whim before the game and you literally Did. Not. Do. Teddy. Things. At. All.

Except for a try. Which I’ll admit, was actually rather nice.

But no. No, no, no, no, no. I’m sorry but the tons have started to roll in, and we can no longer accept Captaincy scores in the 60s. So no, I am not happy with a 64 and we will no longer be referring to a score in the 60s as a “safe” score ever again.

Right now. And breath.

Teddy is up against the Cowboys in this Saturday night game. It’s a dry track and I fully expect Teddy to bounce back to his Teddy self and do actual Teddy things.

In Round 10 of last year, Teddy scored a massive 131 points vs the Cows – and whilst I think the Cows are looking a much better team all round this year – I think Teddy’s the sort of player who’s going to come out like a boss and put last week completely behind him with a blinder.

Captain if you don’t have Lil’ Papi, or perhaps consider a nice Vice Captaincy if you have a Sunday player like Munster who’s taken your fancy instead.

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Nathan Cleary

“I said, ooh, I’m blinded by the lights

No, I can’t sleep until I feel your touch

I said, ooh, I’m blinded by th…”

Ahem

Please excuse me everyone. I got completely uhhh…blinded by the lights…googling Nathan Cleary’s greatest hits and ended up watching TikTok dance tutorials instead.

And I can now proudly perform the whole Blinding Lights TikTok dance.

But I digress.

Because the greatest TikTok star in the world…ahem I mean the greatest halfback in the world, is back, and boy is this going to be a salivating match up against the Bunnies.

Now, a word of warning. Captain at your own risk.

A little birdie told me this is a better Vice Captaincy option if you’re one of the 4.5% of SuperCoachers who own him.

Coming back from that injury, straight into a hard slog against the recently revitalised Bunnies in a Friday night game in the rain, you must remain a little cautious.

Unless you’re the type of person who chucks your last remaining hundy on an outside bet of black at the roulette table, and then remembers that that was supposed to be your money for the taxi home and a kebab because you lost your wallet and your phone somewhere between the blackjack table and the bar, and fml, that is red that’s landed on isn’t it and now it looks like you’re walking home or sleeping behind the Queen of the Nile pokie machine in the corner on the casino floor.

Look, if we look to last year against the Bunnies, Cleary did score an 86 in Round 23 and a…okay…ummm…wow…

A ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY in Round 11…

But just keep in mind he’s coming back from injury, it’s raining, and the Bunnies looked good last week.

The Panthers also look good though don’t they? Very very good. And Nathan is going to slot right into that team and I would expect a pretty nice score from him. Potentially enough to write home about. Definitely better than a kick in the teeth.

Whack the VC on him and just in case – prepare to loop.

Papenhuyzen x Coates ⚡⚡ pic.twitter.com/IX9yKNJqrI

— NRL (@NRL) March 17, 2022

The Verdict

Basically, I am so in love with Captain Lil’ Papi, I have eyes for barely anybody else.

And sorry, but Cheese who??

With a tasty Sunday arvo matchup against the Dogs, and in a team of stars just gorging themselves silly on points – I just can’t look past whacking that big C on That Mullet and reaping all the delicious points to come.

If you have a man named Munster in your team (he’s the guy with the shaved head), you can possibly Big C him too – there’ll be plenty of food coming his way Sunday, and we also must not forget our “Chur Bro” winner of the week Mr Nicholas Hynes – expect him to knock out a sweet score against the Knights this week too.

Teddy is up for a redemption so take a potential (Vice) Captaincy punt on him if you don’t own Lil’ Papi, especially on a dry track against the Cowboys. If you have Big David Fifita – please at least chuck the VC on him friend for his Thursday night matchup, because remember I’ve got the scoop that the man is scoring us at least a ton.

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Oh course, if you have Mr Cleary, do consider a nice VC on him – just don’t get blinded by the lights thinking that he’s going to slot straight back in and whack you out a double ton in the rain (though we all know how this goes… now that I’ve said it…you just watch him ton right up).

That concludes Clementine’s Captaincy Choices for this week. Thank you to everybody who sent me such nice messages and comments about my little debut foray into the poddy with the great Tim and Spy this week. It was very, very fun and me and my Kiwi accent enjoyed it very much indeed. Bro.

Until next time…

May your players score you tons and your team take a win (except if your team is the Broncs, then can you just lose this week against my Warriors? That would be great thanks, ta),

Clementine x