Clementine Cassidy
NRL SuperCoach, 6th overall, 2021
Captain’s Challenge: Round 7, skippers to target and avoid
We run the rule over the best NRL SuperCoach captaincy and vice-captaincy options to consider.
NRL
April 22, 2022
So.
Hello.
Here I am.
A day late because the dog ate my homework and I had no pens at home and I left my pencil case at school and then there was an alien invasion and then they took my article – and I guess somewhere on Planet X they’re talking about how the people of Earth worship two great Gods – Big Davy Fifita and Kotoni Snaggs?
Anyway – Here are some occupations I can cross off my list of potential future occupations:
Mathematician
History Teacher Specialising in Historical Futures
Sophisticated Hacker Hacking into Hackable things
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Embed from Getty ImagesThings I can keep:
Manifestation Circle Master
Connaisseur of Snags
Dreamer of Dreams
And wow. I did not have a great deal of success with the Captains last week, did I?
I mean, I guess I went about a C on the history portion of the Captaincy exam.
Except I forgot the part about when the Tigers turn extra vicious, thus forcing our hero, Moses, to forgo his path straight up the middle of the sea, and he instead retreats into a shell whilst waving a white flag and MISSING A FIELD GOAL THAT WOULD HAVE AT LEAST LET ME WIN MY HEAD-TO-HEAD WHICH I LOST BY TWO SIR CAPTAIN POINTS.
But okay. Let us talk about the maths.
The maths was really quite unfortunate. Almost as if I’d pulled a number out of thin air and attempted to build a formula around it.
Exactly like that in fact.
And if that is not a complete regression to every high school maths exam I’ve ever taken.
Well. The utter trauma of it all.
Embed from Getty ImagesSo really. I made up all the excuses above, and the actual reason my article is late is because I needed an extra day to recover.
From the maths trauma.
So, as I’m quickly finishing whipping this up now that Thursday night’s game is underway, by the time tomorrow rolls around, you will likely fall under those who:
- Are unlucky to have not had me tell you to VC Prince Nicho Hynes
- Are lucky to have not had me tell you to VC Prince Nicho Hynes, or
- Are running around with completely watermelon-sized balls because you either VC’d Talakai or straight up chucked the big C on him. And is that another try? And you can take me now! I. Have. Seen. It. All!
Anywho. Onwards and onwards. And let’s do some Captain Congratulations for last week:
A big congratulations to the absolute SuperCoach masters who captained the winner of our ‘Chur Bro’ award – Mr Nathan Cleary, who racked up THREE HUNDRED AND TWO Sir Captain points in a fabulous display of SuperCoach unicornery!
And a huge well done to those lucky people who can actually Cook and who don’t survive on burnt toast, Uber Eats, and the occasional sympathy salad from a well-meaning friend, who also received a tasty 242 Sir Captain points.
And now it is now time for the Captains!
And oh look – Captain Obvious has just danced his way into the room. So, shall we just start with him…?
Introducing the one. The only. The man, the myth, the unicorn…
Captain Obvious…
Embed from Getty ImagesNathan Cleary!
And please. If you own Clearly and do not at LEAST Vice Captain him this week…well. I am sorry but there is not a Support Group comforting enough for you come Sunday evening.
We certainly do not have enough snacks. Or whisky.
And I certainly do not have the hacking skills to hack into your account and Sir Captain him for you.
You are on your own. So, in the famously wise words of Nike:
Just. Do. It.
The Panthers are playing the Raiders on Sunday and I do believe the Panthers have got this one in the bag.
They just look so good. And how good did Mr Clearly look last week knocking out a casual 151 points whilst looking like he wasn’t even trying.
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Those points included three try assists, 24 points in goals, and there was a couple of times the man was within a sniff of the line himself.
The kind sir even had time to apologise nicely to Billy in the middle of (tackling?) him to the ground.
I mean, we can look to the last couple of years and see that Cleary scored an 88 and a 76 v the Raiders. But I just don’t think that matters so much.
I think just Captain him. Especially if you moved heaven and earth to bring him in this week. Just do it.
Unless you are actually going to run the gauntlet and go Captain Teddy, or take a punt on a Captain Lil’ Papi or a Grant v the Warriors.
But I mean, if you go this route, at least give our favourite unicorn the VC?
Embed from Getty ImagesPayne Haas
After doing his week of NRL penitence for saying he didn’t like the colour of his teammate’s handbag*, big Payne Hass is back!
*(well, it was something like that, but tbh I’ve quite forgotten what actually happened as the news cycle has moved on to being personally offended by something completely different this week…).
And look. Boy oh boy. Will our man Mr Payne Hass be out to ruin lives or what!
The lives of the SuperCoacher’s who don’t own him that is, because something tells me Big Payne Hass is going to be a rippin’ and a snortin’ and a tearin’ up that field of COVID-wracked Bulldogs.
Before he was forced into exile suspended because of some shoes, he played around 70 minutes in his last two games and scored a nice safe 83 and a 74.
You’d expect him to come out swinging on Friday night against the depleted Dogs.
He will score a try. It is inevitable. I have foreseen it.
Now. As this is a Friday night game, I do prefer a nice safe VC on Mr Haas. Just in case.
Especially if you have a Mr Nathan Cleary in your team.
Our Newest Hero: Mr Kotoni Snaggs
Okay but please. Allow me to bask in the glory of owning and playing Staggs for both his tons one more time before 5 million SuperCoachers jump on him.
And ahhh. That’s nice.
Staggs is back baby. And isn’t he just glorious.
And a special shoutout to my Cobbo x Staggs Support Group friends and to Nick for everything we’ve done for the SuperCoach community in manifesting Staggs to go back to his ton scoring best.
Back-to-back tons in fact. A 102 and a 108.
Vs the Chooks and the Panthers.
And you are very welcome.
The man is going through an awakening. He is untouchable. Just watching him carve up those Panthers with a try, an assist, a line break, a couple of line break assists, AND about a million tackle busts, got the blood pumping and the heart racing.
And so. May I suggest a nice VC that allows you to loop de loop should Mr Kotoni Staggs break all SC records?
P.S Talking about Kotoni Snaggs – Does anyone else just go nuts with the sauces when there’s a sauce free for all at a BBQ? I go all out – tomato, barbeque, mustard…it’s almost more sauce than snag! I actually feel untrusting of those who do a delicate line of sauce up the snag and that is their sauce done. Like pls. A BBQ is no place to be timid. At least run that sauce line twice.
Just a small life lesson. Now, where were we?
Embed from Getty ImagesAhh yes – Big David Fifi
If you listened to this week’s poddy, you’ll have heard me declare my undying love for David Fifita and just please know that if anybody is mean to him again you will have to fight me.
(Not actually physically fight me, because I might break a nail and also, as we all know, I will just run away. But just know I will be very sad and will be fighting you in my mind. It will be a mind wrestle. I will win. Well, I’ll be winning up until when my mind goes off on a complete tangent and I start thinking about cheese or snags or snacks instead).
The Titans are playing the Cowboys on Saturday and I truly cannot even begin to guess the winner of this one.
Except the people who own the Glorious Fifita. They will be the winners.
With his beautiful offloads, and his stunning tackle busts, and his lovely tries.
What a delicious player. What a glorious man.
Now we all know that the big man started the season off a little slowly. But please. Allow me to direct your gaze straight past that, to the two (TWO) yes TWO tons he has now scored in a row.
That should be your guide. Not the previous small case of a four-round hiccup.
That is in the past. We are SuperCoachers who look to the future…
Except right now we’ll quickly look to the past to see some of David Fifi’s stats v the Cows from last year.
And he likes to score tries v them doesn’t he? One in each of the games he played against them in fact. Well that’s nice! As is the 112 points and the 87 points he scored in those games too. Mmmhmmm very very nice.
I like it.
You may pop a nice Vice Captaincy on him alongside a Captain Cleary – and this my friends, is exactly one of the two options I am allowing myself to consider (the other being a Vice Captain Kotoni Snaggs).
Embed from Getty ImagesRyan Papenhuyzen
Well, well, well.
Somebody’s on extended point scoring annual leave, aren’t they?
I mean where ever you are and whatever you’re doing Mr Ryan ‘Glorious Mullet’ Papanhuyzen, on behalf of SuperCoachers everywhere, we do hope that you’ve enjoyed yourself on your TWO WEEKS OFF SCORING POINTS!
Because we just cannot allow you any more point-scoring leave unfortunately, and can you and your mullet please come back and score us all some points right now. And thank you. We really do not ask for much.
Just a casual ton. A casual ton would be very very nice.
And okay. But at least a 90?
The Storm are playing the Warriors in an ANZAC Day clash.
And whilst Lil’ Papi has maybe just cruised on the SC point scoring front in the last couple of rounds, let’s not forget the man scored 193 points just three rounds ago.
And this is a high emotion clash. Against the Warriors. Who they bet 42 – 20 last year in this exact same match. Including eight tries.
A word of warning. Lil’ Papi did his ankle a mischief in last week’s game, and whilst the long turn around looks like he’s going to be okay to play, you really must be prepared for Lil’ Papi to not quite be 100% in the game.
So just in case, if you are wanting to Captain a Storm player – I’d also like to offer you the option of a safe Captain Harry Grant.
And because this is the last game of the Round, just in case, if you’re Captaining Lil’ Papi or any other Storm player this Round – choose your VC very very wisely.
And if your VC is a man named Cleary – well – prepare that looping finger friend.
Or ya know – just Captain him instead.
Embed from Getty Images(Vice) Captain Random
Abracadabra! I am going to pull a Vice Captain out of a hat.
ahhh…Clementine? You know how this goes…you are not a magici…
And walah!
The rabbit…ahhh Vice Captain that has appeared is
Damien Cook!
The Bunnies are playing the Tigers on Saturday and whist Mr Cook didn’t have the best luck against the Tigers last year with a 56 and a 42 – I think we should really just focus on his last week’s game.
Where he scored THREE tries!
And all the darting and the running. And did you know he actually used to be a beach sprinter?
And also has a three-round average of 92?
And then I think we should also look at how the Tigers played their hearts out on Monday, but also how the Tigers have let in a try and two assists to starting hookers over the past 3 weeks and well.
If you think you’d like to Cook. I think you should most certainly VC him.
You might just be this round’s MasterChef…
Verdict
Vice Captain and Captain Nathan Cleary.
So that conclu…
No wait. Okay.
But honestly, if you own Nathan Cleary and you’ve done some super big trades this week to bring the bloke in like 500% of SuperCoachers – pop that big C on him please.
Then choose a high upside guy in form like a Staggs or a Big Davey Fifi to pop the VC on, or even a nice, reliable, completely unjustly dealt with Haas.
Then go sit back, relax, and drink a beer or two. Your job here is done.
Obviously if you have a time machine and can go back to yesterday and chuck the C on Talakai do that. I’m currently working on how I can hack my app and get him in my team this round. I will let you know if I find a solution at the Support Group meeting. On Tuesday. 6pm. Bring whisky.
Or, go out on a limb. Be a bit risky you risk taker you. Pop the C on a high-upside WingerCoaster or a high-class hooker. I dare you.
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So, this concludes the Captaincy article for another week. And now we have another long weekend upon us and I am off to Byron Bay to chill with the Byron Baes.
Not really the actual Byron Baes as I do not have enough influence followers Hello Fresh Sponsorship deals spirituality for them, so I will instead be working on my tan at the beach and drinking too many margaritas at a bar.
Which to be honest sounds very much like an episode of Byron Baes minus the drama. So, if I just quickly host a manifestation circle in the middle of the bar and arrange an argument in the middle of that about whether it is more spiritual to buy your mascara from Mecca or Sephora – maybe there is a chance I can become a cast member of Bryon Baes after all.
Anyhow have fun this weekend my wonderful SuperCoach friends, whatever it is that you are doing. And may your Captain score you a double ton…especially if he’s Cleary.
Clementine x
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