Clem’s Captains Call: Round 6

Friends, I have a theory.

Damien ‘did you know he was a beach sprinter?’ Cook is not actually masquerading as the scapegoat to the Bunnies’ woeful performance…

Instead, he is about to return to his roots and carve up at the Aussies here on the Sunny Coast, and take out the 2024 Open Male Beach Flags, just like he did in the 2006 Aussies when he won the Under 15 Male Beach Flags title at Kurrawa Beach.

And did you know he was a beach sprinter?

Now that I’ve got my theory the facts out the way, let us move on to the Captains. 

And on reflection of last week’s Captains, ‘Anyone Against the Titans’ basically meant Scotty D and we should have also considered ‘Anyone Against the Eels’ after the total SuperCoach point-scoring clinic put on by the Raiders.

And yes. Yes I did do such stunning things last week as use a 2^nd boost to trade out Ethan Strange for Blaize Talagi. Follow me for more tips on how to SuperCoach…

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But let us not dwell on that and let us instead talk about the absolute spectacle of the OverLord coined ‘Black Friday’ last week. Because what, and I repeat, WHAT, was that??

From SuperCoachers walking out of that game with scores lower than a slammed WRX scrapping on a leaf, to Dom Young strutting off the field in his ripped jersey, chest out, clearly participating in some sort of pre-match-scripted audition for the next round of Sydney bachelorette parties.

I think we can all safely say we came out of that match feeling like we’d watched a night of 1990s WWE. Bret Hart vs the Undertaker (SummerSlam 1997) ain’t got nothing on Bulldogs vs the Roosters (NRL 2024).

And yes, yes I did have Dom Young and yes I now belong in that unique club of having owned the second lowest point scorer in SuperCoach history.

We banded together at the community hall last Monday to comfort each other over whiskey and Mariah, and it was heart wrenching to hear some of the tales, including the SuperCoacher who captained Dom Young and also had Teddy and Sammy Walker in his team…

The heartbreak Sir!

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And now that we’ve relived the horrific shock of last Friday night, let us move on to the Captains and we will start with the Thursday night match up which shall be known as: 

The battle of the fullbacks 

There’s a battle royale brewing for Thursday night – it’s Joey Manu vs Kalyn Ponga, two glorious Vice Captaincy options that we must consider!

Joey M at fullback is kind of like Mario when he eats a Super Mushroom and doubles in size and strength, smashing through bricks and taking extra hits from enemies… Goombas ahhh… Knights be afraid…be very afraid…

Averaging 85 across his last three matches and knocking out a casual 108 including a try and an assist vs the Bulldogs once he’d Super Mario’d up last week, you couldn’t knock a Vice Captaincy punt on Sir Joey M.

Especially when we look to last time he played the Knights back in Round 16 last year and scored a 117. 

Kalyn ‘King of the Spite Points’ Ponga continued to punish his traders last round scoring spite points aplenty, and really this should be the perfect moment to have a casual dig at the King of the Fullback Roulette – the SC Spy – except he’s thumping me and also he did such things as trade in Scotty D and trade back in Ponga – so he’s ruined my joke with his astute cleverness.

I will now return to normal programming and go back to being your mortal SC enemy and remind you Sir Spy, that the house ALWAYS wins.

As well as Kalyn being a golf champion in his high school days, I can’t help but think that there was also a sneaky swimming championship or two, as he racked up a casual 117 vs the Dragons last week at the local Newcastle swimming pool.

The same score he got vs my Warriors in Round 4…

and as we all know, good things come in threes…

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Our Lord and Saviour Ryan ‘the Glorious Mullet’ Papenhuyzen 

Ryan Papenhuyzen traders, talk to me! If you have the glorious mullet looking all glorious in your Fullbacks, please do not trade him out of your team! Even for a Ponga or a Tommy T!

He may have only scored a 50 vs the Broncos, but his draw’s about to open up with the Bulldogs, Souths and Wooden Spoon in the next four weeks, and there will be glorious mullet points aplenty!

(Failing that, I am working on my petition to the powers that be at SuperCoach NRL headquarters, to add in ‘glorious hair points’, basically +20 points whenever Lil Papi, Prince Nicho, or DWZ step on to the field…stay tuned…)

Last time Lil’ Papi played against the Bulldogs, he scored a 193.

The time before that? 113.

So if you like to look to history to choose your Vice Captains, please consider popping the Vice Captaincy armband on Lil’ Papi Friday night, especially as his three-round average is 87…

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Your Captain – Prince Nicho Hynes

Prince Nicho is playing the Bunnies. That is all.

Captain.

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Scotty D

We’ve already given Spy a moment to bask in the glory of his genius to bring in Scotty D last round as part of his previously discussed ‘Fullback Roulette’ and we can’t let his head get too big…

So instead let us congratulate everyone who traded in Scotty D and everyone who Captained him last week vs the Titans…

Because ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR POINTS!!

And even though he has bucked the trend of this article with that performance, we will allow it and wowee I wish I had Scotty D.

A three-round average of 109 and ranked 2^nd in Fullbacks for the season…is this the moment Scotty D takes off and leaves all us non-hydrated non-owners in the dust?

Vs the Eels who gave up hundreds and thousands of points to the Raiders last week, I think you can definitely consider a Captaincy on Scotty D.

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Anyone vs the Titans

Spade/Spoon etc etc 

The Raiders basically scored 17 tons last Sunday and are playing the Titans and look, if you have Strange and Schiller and Timoko and co, I’m not saying they’re going to rack up scores higher than the bounty hunters hunting up and down the coast of the Northern Beaches for the “mysterious packages” washing up everywhere, but I am saying if you own a Titan you could be looking at a score on par with that time you ventured into the darkest corner of Northies at 4am that fateful Sunday morning back in 2014…

Verdict

There’s juicy Vice Captain options aplenty this round, and if you have Ponga, Joey M, or Lil’ Papi – they’re all delicious shouts to wear that Vice Captaincy armband.

Just get ready to loop friends.

For your Captains, you’d be hard pressed to find a better option than our Prince of the Glorious Wet Locks, but if you have Scotty D you can definitely chuck it on him too.

I’m going Joey Manu into Captain Prince Nicho and will be watching him carve it up against the Bunnies whilst enjoying a nice cold one up here on the Sunny Coast, so if someone back home in Sydney can please be on standby to go and gel up his hair if it’s looking a bit dry, I’d be forever grateful as I can’t get to the game.

And as always – Let us take a special moment for Jakey T’s thumb. A true beacon of hope and happiness,

Clementine xx

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