Round 15. The one with the 120-point Captaincy swing.

“It’s giving panic,” Spy declared gleefully at around 10pm on Saturday night over a voice note. “A. Classic. Panic.”

And honestly, I wish it was a panic, because then I would have some answer to wtf was going through my brain 10 minutes before the Cowboys v Dolphins game when I took the Captaincy off Herbie, who had held the armband proudly since Thursday arvo, and chucked it on Scotty D instead.

But it wasn’t panic, it was just a classic internal sabotage of Round 15, known in psychology circles as Homer “Monkey Bash Cymbals Together” Brain.

And I knew. I knew about 10 minutes in when Scotty D milked a penalty and got sent for an HIA. That sinking feeling of dread when you know you’ve made a horrific mistake and there is no cheat code to go back and fix it.

So you find comfort in the warm embrace of a bottle of whiskey enjoyed in your all-to-familiar, yet strangely comforting, viewing spot – behind the couch.

The final kick in the teeth? I not only sabotaged my round, but also my chance at beating the Overlord in our H2H. Follow me for more excellent life tips….

I’m telling you – nobody could accuse me and the bye rounds of being besties.

Anyway, onwards and upwards and what is there to say about Origin 2 that hasn’t been said, except Spy’s mouth escaped unscathed this time (only because he wasn’t allowed near any chicken wings – so couldn’t panic eat to the beat of Ashley’s whistle – which has just announced its tour of Ibiza dancefloors post Origin – blow my whistle… and watch this space for tour dates!)

So let’s move onto the Captains, and there’s two Captain Obviouses this week so let’s start with them, beginning with Saturday night’s clash:

Round 16 Captain Options

Ryan ‘The Glorious Mullet’ Papenhuyzen

Following a few performances where he hasn’t hit the Captaincy heights we’d like from a man sporting a mullet as glorious as Lil’ Papi’s, his 3-round average has dropped to just 58.

But friends – they do not call me the mathematician of our generation for nothing – because I have discovered a mathematical pattern in Lil’ Papi’s scoring which explains everything!

Every four games he has played this season – The Glorious Mullet has tonned up in the first one! Here is the evidence over his last 12 games:

131, 66, 65, 68, 136, 78, 66, 80, 182, 35, 63, 75….

Which brings us to Saturday’s game and with it the statistical knowledge that it is the first game after a set of four and therefore it is his time to ton!

The man simply works in a mathematical pattern! It is basic maths and also physics.

So using that logic, we can ascertain that Lil’ Papi is an excellent Captaincy choice this round.

Of course, you might be more inclined to go the Jahrome Hughes route which is also a nice choice. Fresh off a bye and coming off a rather lovely 136 which included 2 try-assists and 2 tries scored to the soundtrack of Timmy Williams singing Feeling Good – Hughes could go big again vs the Bunnies. But more a VC option for me – especially if you have this next guy:

James Tedesco

The most Captain Obvious of all the Captain Obviouses plays on Sunday arvo this week.

Playing the Cowboys who were absolutely feasted on by the Dolphins last round, playing at home, the number one ranked fullback of the season, and enjoying an average of 88 which includes four tons and three almost tons – if you don’t own Teddy, may I ask why not please?

Do yourself a favour and Get. Him. In.

He is on!

Your Vice Captains

Of course, before this game we have a bunch of VCs you might like to have a go at. I’ll start with the one who stared straight into my soul on Saturday night and screamed:

“Are you not entertained?!”

And no, I was not entertained, I was sunk in a hole of existential dread – watching you rack up 150 points vs the guy I gave you the flick for – Scotty D.

And look, on the bright side, at least I had him in my team because ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS – two try assists and a try because tries are what he does and as if he wasn’t going to get one…somehow…(at least one of us Captained him, huh Nikorima?).

Anyway – if you own Herbie chuck that VC on him – a five-round average of 101 doesn’t lie even coming up against the defensive efforts of the Knights.

And finally, I am going to add my favourite player in here – Luke MetCalvesThemUp.

Please note, this is strictly a VC option and may bare the rose-coloured hue of my Up the Wah’s glasses – but playing the Panthers (who are not playing their Origin players) at home in the Warriors stronghold of Mt Smart, fresh off a bye, five try assists over his last 2 games, and eight tries so far this season – if you want to take a really risky play – give the guy a go.

Verdict

I can’t look past the one two punch of Lil’ Papi into Teddy. There is nobody else for me this round.

So using the physics of Murphey’s Law we can ascertain that Herbie’s going to come out and double ton and stare into my soul accusingly once again as I attempt to hide behind the couch.

And on that note – I hope you have a beautiful weekend and your Captain tons up for you and your team wins – unless your team is the Panthers and then I cannot allow it.

Until next week…

Clementine xx

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